What is Abstinence?

Abstinence is not having sex. A person who decides to practice abstinence has decided not to have sex. It's synonymous with 'unfun'.


How Does It Work?

What're you doing right now?

Reading this?

Congratulations! You've just abstained from sex!

You could be having sex right now, but you're not.

Nope.

Not you.

Instead you're reading. You made the choice that sitting alone reading > gettin' the fuck on.


How Well Does It Work?

At getting stuff done? Pretty well.

At having fun? -85%


Who Practices Abstinence?

You don't have to be a virgin to practice abstinence. Sometimes people who have been having sex decide not to continue having sex. Even if a person has been having sex, he or she can still choose abstinence to prevent pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). These people are what is referred to in the medical community as 'losers'.

Who Should Practice Abstinence?

Fat people.


How Do I Determine if Abstinence is Right for Me?

Do people not have the remotest interest in you or your genitals?

Do you smell funny?

Do you watch more MTV then any other channel?

Please, donate your genitals to someone that can use them.


What Should I Do if I Feel Pressured into Having Sex?

I'm not sure I see the problem.


Sometimes I Feel Like I'm the Only One Not Having Sex.

This is a common occurrence.

It stems from the fact that you are.

Everyone is getting the no pants dance on, except you.

If everyone was having sex off a bridge, would you join them? You should.

Why are you still reading this?

Remove pants, go outside, wait for sex to happen.


 

Next Month: Beer: Not Just For Breakfast Anymore