In this modern world there are some activities that come with an understood inherent risk of bodily harm or death. Take for example a matador.

  While the job may not be popular by most people's definition, it is a real occupation. And in this job, the slightest hesitation or lack of focus for a split second can lead to you sitting a 2500lbs pointy pogo stick in your naughty bits, or getting trounced to death. Despite this terrible fact, people still go out there and face the bull knowing full well they may be leaving with more holes then they started with.

We here in America probably don't have many activates that can compare, short of alligator wrestler (another popular job).

Well that's not true, if you truly want to feel like a real matador without having to go to Spain, simply pick yourself up a 2005 Chevrolet Classic.



In the months I haven't been driving my actual car, I've been driving this gem and I can unequivocally say that it is the most dangerous and un-roadworthy automobile I've ever driven in.

Don't get me wrong, the car is perfectly safe and controllable on a completely dry road surface.

I'm not sure I understand how in 2005 a car could still not come standard with ABS on it, but Chevy managed to pull that feat off.

On a drive to Kansas City a month or two back the road was damp from rain previously in that day. And a funny thing happens in this car under those conditions. While taking any highway/interstate road curve and normal speeds (approx 40 mph), the steering wheel simply becomes an accessory, and you slip from driver to passenger very quickly.

You can turn the wheel, but at some point no matter how far the wheel is turned, the car will continue the trajectory it was on regardless of what you may do.

Why?

While Chevrolet may not have sprung for the best of tires on this car (it is a lower end of their models), they might as well have put on slicks. The water channels do ABSOLUTELY nothing but give the appearance of an actual appropriate road tire...which they are not. They move no water or road debris away from the tire and you'll quickly loose all traction as the tire changes from rolling to skating.

Even on an interstate off ramp that curves, the car could not be controlled on a damp surface at 30 mph.

This car reminds me of a modern fighter aircraft with fly-by-wire controls. All the human input HAS to routed through a computer which determines how much change the control surface SHOULD exhibit. And that without this computer system the vehicle would be uncontrollable just using pure human control. This car is 80% uncontrollable with a human brain alone on all but perfect driving conditions.

I even invented a fun game to play; I played it last weekend.

Grab yourself a Classic without ABS and try driving on the interstate with snow and slush on the road.

Here's the scoring system:

5 points for every 360 the car completes in a flat out spin from loss of traction and shitty suspension dynamics.

10 points for every 360 roll the car completes with you trapped inside.

1 point per minute you can't see out the front or rear window due to the fact that the design of the rear of the car actually leads to a pocket of suction that pulls ice and snow of the top of the car and deposits it on the rear window.

3 point for every high speed fishtail the car completes from any input to the steering wheel while moving.

Let's see how I scored

1 complete 360 spin on the interstate
15 minutes of no visibility out the rear of the car
2 fishtails while simply changing lanes

that puts me at 26 points.

I got no trophy for this game, and if you tried to beat me, your trophy would most likely be a lovely coffin to be buried in since you wouldn't live to do better.

Free with this car you get gallons and gallons of horrible oversteer. So much so that I'm convinced that Chevrolet did NOT drive this car before they released it for sales. The amount of oversteer should be illegal.

It's not all bad in the suspension department however. The car's springs are so soft that you get bodyroll simply looking in a different direction. While this makes for horrible handling, the ride is smooth as a result.

So apart from being a large portable coffin the car is alright otherwise?

I wish I could say that was true.

The aesthetics of the car were clearly left up to someone who truly hates nice looking cars. If you look at the car for more than 15 seconds, it'll most likely induce a coma as the extreme nothingness of the design will suck the life out of you.

On the inside the ho-humness continues in full effect.

Few of the dash pieces properly line up with the pieces next to them. They'll all caddywompas and crooked.

It honestly looks as though Chevrolet took left over pieces and just used a hammer to beat them into place despite the fact that they don't fit.

The center console obviously uses a 100 watt light bulb to illuminate it. If you leave the car on for more than 30 minutes you need to wear oven mits to tune the radio, change cd tracks, or adjust the volume.

The acoustics are simply appalling for the most part. Audio was clearly an afterthought in the design process of the car. The doors each have 1 midrange speaker in them, and the rear deck lid carries two subs.

Chevy stuck to the popular idiotic American idea that all you need for a sound system is tons of bass. So much so that even non bass heavy music at moderate volumes renders the rear view mirror useless as its shaking from the pure bass environment. All the mids in the doors are mounted down low, so that anytime someone is sitting in a seat, it effectively blocks sound coming from that door. For two days I thought the drivers speaker was broken, until I realized that the car was designed for people with one leg to drive, and that my other leg was blocking 99% of the sound from that speaker.

It's not all bad though, the car has plenty of room inside of it, and isn't that terrible on gas mileage, making it a decent car for a college student that really has no interest in proper cars or proper driving.

Also the trunk appears to be large enough to fit a minimum of one dead hooker in it, as that's the only true way to guage actual trunk space.

The engine in this car is surprisingly beefy however. Weighing in at 3100 lbs, the Classic isn't the lightest car out there, but the 2.2L of the engine really feels as though it has far more than 150 lb/ft. And if you don't mind getting 2 miles to the gallon to really get that effect, you'll be pleasantly surprised with the drivetrain....as long as it's in a straight line though. Any turns negate the power of the engine as you can't get ANY of the power to the ground.

Overall, this car is a right proper death trap. And normally that would seem to be a downfall, however I kind of enjoy it.

Driving in a Toyota or Honda, the car is so stable and you can almost drive on autopilot without having to think. The Classic, however, demands your attention at all times to keep it going straight or to get it to stop while keeping it in the same lane. The constant struggle in this car creates an exciting driving environment all on its own.

If you have a problem with hitting others with your car, or are opposed to snap-spins and fish tailing then this car isn't your cup of tea.

And honestly it isn't ANYONE'S cup of tea, but much like the matadors, there's a certain inherent badassness and respect that comes with riding that line between life and serious bodily injury simply for the hell of it.

Sure, a THICK rear sway bar, stiff springs, a wider track, tires with water channels, A arms that are not prone to bending, shocks that can handle the full compression and extension of the suspension set up, larger diameter brakes with ABS would make this car MUCH nicer to drive...but where the fuck is the fun in that?