For various reason I have traveled to many places in the US, most of which suck. And I do mean most.

A few lucky cities are shitty enough for me to really want to tell people just how shitty they really are.

This time I'm speaking of the cesspool that is Champaign/Urbana, IL.

Using fenetics (yes, fenetics) as should be done with all English words, this city is pronounced as Sham-Pagan....the people in the city didn't seem to think so when I referred to it as such, but what the fuck do they know, they live in a city that can't pick a single name.

The hardest part of writing this article wasn't coming up with something witty or clever to say about the city, but rather, trying to say it all without coming off as a racist dickbag.

Let me make it clear, I hate racists. I myself have approximately one and a half black friends...so I'm hip, with it, and hate whitey just as much as the next man.

It's hard to sum up a trip to Sham-Pagan without mentioning, however, the large percentage of African-Americans in the city....which was probably pushing 80%. Being a non-ignorant piece of shit, I didn't have a problem with this situation, but it did make me wonder if there was some memo that I perhaps didn't get.

Was it an African-American only city and I wasn't properly informed prior arriving? Or perhaps some elaborate upcoming reality show for MTV ?

It was kind of like this:

I wasn't quite afraid like that, but what did scare me were all the Caucasians that thought they were pimp-shit rappers by association.

Example?
 

 If I left this article there, you would rightly assume that I think that Sham-Pagan is a shitty city based on it's amount of 'neeg-raas'. Rhyming aside, that's a very untrue statement.
 

  "Then what else is it you racist mutherfucker? I'm brown, should I go pick you some cotton you sick fuck?"

  "Jesus, Hobbles. Did we have to go to that tone already?

  "Yes we did. Bestow upon us you're awesome ability to back-peddle."

The main reason that Sham-Pagan sucks is that the city just isn't fit for human colonization. There's almost nothing to do there...and I'm not exaggerating. There's a mall and about 4 restaurants that aren't McDonalds or Taco Bell. Sure it's a college town, but about the lamest one you could ever find.

I asked local college residents that lived off-campus if they ever had any good parties in their neighborhoods, and they all said the same thing: "it's pretty quiet around here".

For those of you that don't know "it's pretty quiet around here" = "please give something to do before I cut my own genitals off for something to do"

In all the fairness though, the city did have a few entertaining elements beyond the minivan with 'spinnas'. To start, there were the local celebrities.
 

Sham-Pagan as a city? Ever see the movie Toys with Robin Williams? Yeah. That shitty.

Sham-Pagan as a MTV reality show? Nothing anyone would watch.

Sham-Pagan as a leper colony? Well...you already have leprosy right? How much worse could your life be anyway.