This week I gave the finger to work and headed to Las Vegas, which I will now refer to as Hookerville USA.

After destroying the rear end of my awesome Chevrolet Classic on the way and having to wait 3 hours for another flight, I finally arrived someplace that had an outdoor temperature above 30 degrees.

As soon as you get to Hookerville USA, you'll probably realize as I did a particular trend of bullshit that plagues the city.

 

You have to tip EVERYBODY in the city.

Fuck that.

List of tipping procedures for Hookerville USA
1. Tip the shuttle bus driver whom works for Alamo to drive you to Alamo to pay Alamo more money to rent a car.
2. Tip EVERY bartender, even for free drinks such as water.
3. When gambling at a table, be sure to slip some money to the dealer to properly say "I know taking my money for the past hour was strenuous and your job and all, so here's a little something extra for you"
4. Tip the airline pilot for not crashing you into a mountain. He will do it if you don't.
5. Tip EVERY airport personnel you see. If you don't tip the baggage people, your luggage won't make it. If you don't tip the security people...look out for fingers up your butt and all you bags being confiscated.
6. Tip random people walking down the street.
7. When you take a shit, send some money to the waste management center to tip them for dealing with your crap.
8. Most importantly, leave money in an elevator when you get out. Elevators have feelings too, and if you don't leave them a five-spot for taking you up 30 feet, they'll drop you on your fucking ass next time you get in.

After giving away $254 in tips by the time you get to your room your brain begins to ponder the possibilities of what to do.

Then you look out your window...  

At first you think about climbing up there and putting your balls on that giant rabbit head.

Then you think rationally and immediately get the phone book and try to find some hookers.

However, if you go to the M section....

The entire city just oozes money.

Just not to me or you.

Here's evidence they have too much fucking money:

How best to sum up Hookerville USA?

Three words.

I would normally stop the note here, as I've properly covered the whole city.

Except for one event that I can't not mention.

Cirque du Soleil.

It's hard to describe this event for someone who hasn't seen it. I tried my best to describe it using a picture.

Imagine being Johnny Depp from Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas. Take some mescaline, and then go to a circus.

100% mind fuck

There was lots of stilts, colors, large noses, and a fat man dressed up as a baby. It truly was the most confusing and pompous thing you could see short of actually going to France; where, in my mind, all those things are quite common. There was no rhyme nor reason to it at all, the only theme to the show that I could come up with was:

I liken it to going to an astrophysics seminar. You're bound to see lots of pretty pictures, but you won't understand 1oz worth of fuck about what you just saw.

Unless you're a huge fan of gambling, and have your life savings just burning a hole in your bank account. There isn't much reason to go to Hookerville USA.

If you must piss your money away though, what's the best game to play?

Easy.

Step 1: Take out $100
Step 2: Put in toilet
Step 3: Flush
Step 4: Send $25 tip to waste management

In normal gambling, they give you the false impression that you'll ever see your money again. At least in this game your money is pissed away right to your face, with no false hopes.